Saturday, July 23, 2011

Some Things Change….Some Stay in The Same Old Rut

I have really got to update more! I have been doing pretty well, I guess. Not a lot has changed around here. We’re still struggling with all the same issues. He’s trying, but it’s hard…really hard.

I have managed to lose some weight. I think I am down 13 pounds, but once again, it’s weight loss due to stress. I haven’t been able to make myself do much of anything.  Of course, the recent heat wave isn’t helping matters, but it isn’t the real excuse.

There has been a lot going on around here though. Good and bad things happening. The good news is that after 6 years of silence, I have re-established a relationship with my father. I sent him an email on Father’s Day, and a few weeks later we began to talk. It’s awkward, but it’s the right thing to do.

He felt that I abandoned him in a very dark point in his life. He felt that I left him behind just when he needed me most. Unfortunately, he has a point. I did walk away when he was facing jail time for multiple DUIs. I never meant to abandon him, but he hurt me by implying that my husband was trying to separate me from my family. Really, looking back it was all very stupid. These feuds have a way of just going on forever when both parties are too stubborn.

Like I said, it’s awkward. We may never be as close as we once were, but at least my children will have a chance to get to know their grandfather. It kind of hurts that it’s so awkward because I was always Daddy’s little girl. I just have to give it time. We need to learn to trust each other once again.

The other thing that has occurred is shocking and rocked my world a bit. Dad showed up at my house on last Sunday looking for my brother. Now my brother and I aren’t real close, sadly. There is no animosity between us; we just have never managed the closeness that siblings should have. I suppose that I am hard to get close to especially now when I hold myself so separate from everyone else. That whole self-protection thing that I do to prevent people from knowing how hard my problems really are. I don’t want people to judge me for being married to someone who is alcoholic. Silly, really. Why should my character be judged by the disease of my spouse?

Anyway, I was shocked to find out that my brother is an alcoholic himself. He had been drinking and threatened to kill himself in front of his wife and teenage son. He then got in his car and drove off. You can’t imagine how shocked I was. I always thought that he had the perfect life. Perfect house, perfect family, perfect job. I knew that he suffered from anxiety problems (family trait), but I had no idea that he self-medicated with booze.

I have no idea whether it is right or wrong to call him. I imagine that he doesn’t want to talk about it. He’s very ashamed of himself right now. His life is on the brink of falling apart. His wife has reached the end of her rope, and she has asked him to leave. He isn’t leaving, but can they put their lives back together? I have been doing a lot of praying for them. I have thought about sending him a card letting him know that I care, and that I don’t know what to do, but am here if he wants to talk. I can’t email him because he only has a work email. I don’t want to discuss personal problems over a public email like that.

So while I haven’t made great strides in weight loss or self-care, I have managed to free myself of one of my emotional burdens by reconnecting with Dad. I hope that the other things will come along with time!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Crawling out from under my rock...

Oh my goodness, it has been weeks since I have signed in here! I am still among the living, but I haven't had much in the way of anything to write! I have been mainly muddling through my days trying not to be too stressed out.

The husband hasn't had a lot of success with his anti-depressant. It's obviously not the drug for him. He goes back to the doctor on June 8. Hopefully the doctor will put him on something less sedating and with less uh, side effects. There are just some side effects a man cannot take if you know what I mean ;). Not that I care since I feel so unattractive most of the time.

I have actually lost 9 pounds over the last month, but I really don't count them as they are pounds lost due to stress. I have been hanging out mostly on Twitter and Facebook these days. You all are welcome to follow me either of those places! I plan to get moving my butt here soon just to take my stress levels down. I can't rely on drugs to do that unless it gets really bad. I don't want to be dependent on anything. One addict in the family is quite enough, thanks!

So here are some links:
Facebook: (I don't share my stresses here because it's too public a profile, ya know?


This will help you all know that I am quite alive! I am trying my best to be okay, but it is a daily struggle with my anxiety and depression...not to mention a husband with his own issues. Life is tough, but I am surviving.

Gotta catch up with you all!

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Still alright!

Well, here we are on a sunny Saturday morning. It's still quite cold here, but it's supposed to warm up! I am so glad that we will be able to get outside today. I need that!

This week in many ways was uneventful. That's a good thing really! The husband went back to work, and if it weren't for my residual feelings of panic, I wouldn't have known that the last 2 weeks existed. We're all trying to be very normal.

The big event of the week was that he went to the doctor! He was put on an anti-depressant, and he is taking it. We'll see how it helps once it starts to work.

Another big thing is that we're being very honest with one another. I think that this just may bring us closer. At least we're able to realize that we still love one another and willing to take steps to make this better. If we're happier, the kids will be happier too.

I'm trying to take this one day at a time. We're both trying to move forward, and that's very positive. I think what I really need to do is concentrate on making me better. People like me forget about ourselves or don't take care of ourselves when we are focused on the damaged/sick people in our lives. I haven't been taking very good care of me. I am however back to eating, but I haven't been eating the right things. My anxiety level is still very high. I need to calm down. The truth is that I'm afraid to let my guard down and relax. Can you blame me?

Anyway, I am still quite alive and doing okay. I'm looking forward to being out in the sun today.

I made the right decision to call my father-in-law last week, and I am glad that he was able to help. The husband doesn't seem to resent it either. He seems to realize that I did it out of love. I wanted to surround him with people that love him and want to help him. I didn't do it as a tattletale. We're in our late 30s here lol.

So for now I'm quite calm. Not as calm as I would like, but I will take it over the chaos.

I haven't been online much. I am way behind on reading blogs!

Hope it's sunny and nice where ever you are today too!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Progress and Anxiety

Hello out there. I have not fallen off the face of the earth, I swear! It's been quite a week emotionally and having company most of the time made it impossible to sit down and update this.

My father-in-law flew home yesterday. I was so sad to see him go. He truly made this week easier for me. He's wonderful. Hey, he booked plane tickets based on one phone call from me. Need I say more?

My husband is trying. I have to give him his due here. He is really trying to fix things between us and get himself on a better path. Yesterday he made an appointment with the doctor. He doesn't go until next Wednesday, but you know how getting into the doctor is. We all agreed that he needed to explore getting put on anti-depressants and have an honest conversation with the doctor. He's not big on going to the doctor so this is a big deal for him. It's also a big deal because he called for himself instead of making me do it lol!

Wednesday night he spent several hours filling out online job applications for pharmacies in our area. I was so happy for him to be taking this step. We can't afford for him to be out of work. At least he was acknowledging that!

Thursday afternoon he got a voicemail from his former employer. He offered him more money if he would come back. Needless to say, he did like the job although it will never replace the job he once had. He called his boss back and took the job back. He goes back on Monday. I think it's wonderful that they are so understanding of what he is going through. He told them he was getting help too.

Things are looking up for the moment. I am not naive enough to believe that we won't have set-backs. Alcohol is still the elephant in the room, but we can't conquer that giant until we make progress on some other fronts. He is trying. That means a great deal to me.

I am a bundle of freaking nerves. I can't relax. I have this fist pressing against my stomach all the time. Funny thing, I actually felt relieved last night. That was the first time in over a week that I could relax. I felt like a balloon with the air let out! Today I'm back to feeling like a wind-up toy on crack.

Truthfully I need to focus on myself now. I cannot follow him around like I'm his mother. I need to do something for me. I need to get myself back to eating well, and I need to get back to exercising so I can manage my stress. Staying inside is getting hard for me. I need to be outside! I am hoping to talk a walk later. I have a lot of things to catch up on around the house as well, but I think my mental state is more important than scrubbing the bathroom today. It's supposed to stop raining this afternoon and actually be sunny. I want to be out in it!

So this is where we stand for now. The crisis isn't over, but we are taking steps to overcome it. It's going to take time. And as much as I want to hover over him and hound him to death, I can't do it. I need to work on me and taking care of my boys right now.

Maybe soon I will get back to the original intention of this blog: weight loss! LOL
Here's hoping!!

Happy Easter everyone.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tough times

Well, things haven't got any better as of yet. Yesterday was plain horrifying. He's to the point where he's nearly suicidal. I'm a mess. I can't eat. All I want to do is sleep (I can drift off but not for long), but I am taking care of my boys. I know I have to eat, but I am so nervous that I am too nauseated to do so.

I called his father yesterday morning. I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to tell him what was going on, and I hoped that he might be able to help in some small way. Eventually what we decided was that he would book plane tickets and head up here (he lives 500 miles way). He should be here by noon today.

There probably isn't much he can do, but I think a show of love and solidarity will at least help some.

On a small positive note, I spoke with the husband when I got up (after lying in bed for hours not sleeping), and he seems somewhat better today. He's no longer talking like he wants to die. Hell, I have moments where I want to take a fistful of pills and just end it all too. I think the alcohol magnifies it.

I'm exhausted, but I am putting on my big girl panties and heading out to work here shortly. I was off yesterday so I can hardly call off today (they would insist on a doctor's excuse). I suppose I could always go home sick later. It's not faking it either. I'm nauseated and exhausted. Anyway, we'll see how the day goes.

Yes, I promise that I will choke down some food here soon. I think I could manage a yogurt. It's not much, but I am not trying to starve myself. I just have no appetite at all. Kinda funny in a sad way. The fat chick that can't eat. I know that is no way to lose weight though.

I'm hanging in here.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

An honest explanation..

Okay, I have to apologize for the horrible post I made yesterday. I know that I can change myself, but right now I am so bogged down that hope isn't something I have a lot of. I know that it can get better and likely will get better. I'm just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And no, I'm not going to do anything irrational.

The past year and a half have been very very hard for me. First I got cut to part-time in my job which while it wasn't the end of the world, it was an emotional blow (I continue to be part-time, but I still work full-time. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time.).

Then my husband's place of work closed down. He had work there for a very long time, and he considered those people his family. He truly loved that place inside and out. He did immediately get another job, but he hated it. Last June he changed jobs again. He likes this one for the most part, but it's never ever going to replace what he once had.

All this is very hard, but it's not the biggest thing. I can't even believe that I'm going to come out and say this, but the hardest part is that his drinking is spiraling out of control. Sometimes I look at him as if I don't know him anymore. He has never hurt any of us in any way (except for the fact that he is moody and just kinda not "here" at times).

Suggesting AA isn't really going to be met with any positive results. He doesn't want to stop. I really don't want to leave him either. I do love him.

I am thinking about the Alanon thing, but I have been unable to find a local meeting. I think there are some online meetings, and I am planning on checking into those. I also am looking at getting some books to read that may give me some ideas on how to deal.

I recognize that that the hardest thing isn't the fact that he drinks; it's my response to it. I can't control him, but I can control my response. Oh, and it's really hard to do! But really how can I take care of my family if I don't take care of myself?

Hiding inside this house isn't the answer. Eating junk isn't the answer. Escaping into a book isn't the answer (not that I could give up reading).

If only I could get myself to realize that I don't need the approval of him or anyone else! If only I could find ways to manage my stress...healthily of course. I have talked to my doctor about my anxiety, and I do have medication to help me manage it. I just don't like to take the Xanax on a daily basis. This week has been an exception though. I've had to take it just to be able to work without having a panic attack. Last night I had to take a whole one just to be able to sleep. Honestly that didn't even help much. I managed to fall asleep, but I couldn't stay asleep. I haven't taken any today, and I don't plan on it.

I guess what I need to focus on is making good eating choices and stress management. I have done way too much of wallowing in this house. It's time to get out and enjoy life. My boys will only be young for a short time, and I want them to be happy. If I could just get mother nature to realize that we're sick to death of rain and cold, I could be outside soaking up some much needed vitamin D right now!!!!

To whomever has read this far: thank you for listening. I don't have any close friends with whom to share this. I have friends that I work with, but I don't want them to see me this way. I want them to see me for who I am there. My mother isn't much of an option either although she really does try. She just isn't able to look at this objectively. She can't see past the fact that I am hurting, and I suppose that is okay since she is my mom.

You know, these issues existed when I lost some weight 6 years ago, but they have been magnified. He's drinking more and is more depressed. I feel completely out of control myself. Things were manageable then.

Oddly enough I think all my issues come down to being a control freak. I like things a certain way, and I like knowing what to expect. I'm not big on surprises (especially since most surprises in my life tend to be of the negative variety). I think since I can't control him or the kids (and really who wants to control people?) I get stressed. I can however control what goes into my mouth or choosing to sleep instead of exercise. I choose to sit here in front of the computer playing silly Facebook games instead of going outside. I'm really good at making poor choices! And let's face it, making poor choices is easier. It's easier to sit and do nothing than it is to choose to go for a walk. It's easier to shove junk in your mouth instead of preparing something healthy. It's easier to exist than it is to live.

Friday, April 15, 2011


I've got nothing. No hope. I pretty much have given up. My life is such a mess...because of my depression and the actions of others around me. I give up. I can't even change myself. I know I can't change anyone else. I say what's the point? There isn't any.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Can I use anger as motivation?

Normally I tend to eat my emotions...quite literally. I've been eying  up the cake that is sitting on the kitchen counter, but I haven't touched it ( it helps that it is stale lol). I had oatmeal and pineapple for breakfast. I'm drinking my coffee and waiting for the washer to finish.

I am undeniably pissed off though. It is most certainly not my fault if certain members of this household cannot get themselves up and out the door on time without me having to rouse them. It is not my fault if they are late because as they are adults and should be able to manage their own time. So why do I feel like I've done something wrong?

I think that is the true block to my motivation. I spend so much time worrying about how everyone else is feeling and squelching my own emotions that I don't allow myself to live. I'm walking on eggshells trying to keep the peace. What about how I feel? Doesn't anyone see that I'm being smothered? Aren't my feelings valid?

The sad truth is that I've allowed my feelings to take a backseat. I've done it for so long that maybe no one here recognizes that I have thoughts and opinions of my own. You can't be a doormat unless you lie down and let them walk on you.

I promised myself that this year would be about me, but thus far I have failed miserably. No more!! I deserve happiness. I deserve so much more than what I allow myself. I can't always put myself first, but I will try (having 2 kids makes it a bit tougher to manage).

I'm off to take out my anger on the housework, and then I am going outside to enjoy the sunshine!!

Hope you are having a good weekend!!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Where is the "on" switch?

I guess that I need to start sorting through all my emotional baggage. I haven't been able to bring myself to do much of anything this week. My eating was more under control, but it wasn't perfect either. I was unable to get my lazy butt moving at all. I guess the stress of the week just overwhelmed me. Yes, I know that working out will help manage my doesn't make me put on my shoes and go though.

I have done this before. I lost 40 pounds 6 years ago. What is the difference between now and then? Other than our financial woes, I can't see much difference. Well, I did have one less child then, but it's not his fault his mommy isn't working out.

I really think my block is fear. I'm afraid to do anything that will take me out of my comfortable little box. I don't like being fat, but it's the devil I know, ya know? If I were to become thin, would I be forced to notice all the other things wrong with my life? Confrontation of any sort is not my strong point. I back down from fights.  I am usually so worried about what other people will say that I won't tell someone off if it is the right thing to do. It's not a matter of picking my battles. I don't battle at all. Even if someone pushes me to my limit, I only explode and immediately back away. Have the last word and run.

I wish that I didn't have so many other worries. They aren't going to go away so I have to learn to manage the stress. I just wish I had a clue of how to do that.

How do the rest of you deal with the stress of  life and manage to work out? I'm still trying to find that magic on switch that doesn't really exist. How did I do this before?

Looking back, what I remember is just taking the dog for a walk one night and enjoying myself. From there I just started walking most every night, and I started eating healthily. It all just seemed to happen. It couldn't  have been that easy, but maybe it was. I was just ready then. Maybe now I have to make the right time instead of it just all falling into place.

Well, I had better start cleaning. My mom and stepdad will be here in a few hours to help me with the bathroom, and I don't want the house to be a total wreck. Off to clean toilets I go!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Bad, bad weekend

Yesterday I didn't even bother with a weigh-in. I didn't really want to see what the scale had to say. I knew it wouldn't be good or do anything to boost my mood. So why bother?

Yes, I fell off the wagon, and I fell hard. I've spent the last several days immersed in emotional eating. I'm disappointed in myself, but I am more frustrated at my inability to fix what is wrong with my life. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around here. I'm tired of compartmentalizing my life. I just want to be happy.

I am not sure how to do anything about what is wrong. It's hard enough to keep yourself on the right track, but it's nearly impossible to do it for someone else too. I just want to make the best of what I have. I don't have a choice really. This is the hand I've been dealt. My choices are to find a way to live with it, or I can stay as miserable as I am now.

I really have to learn to concentrate on me. If I fall apart, then everything else does.

Sorry for being so depressing. I just have had a bad few days. I can't believe that I would rather be at work, but I sure as hell would!

I need to jump back on the wagon.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Thunder Thighs Thursday

Thursday was not a very good day for me. I didn't have a bad day really. I just went crazy with the eating! We had a very stressful busy day at work. I had to work late, and my kids ate pizza at my mother's house. She sent the leftover pizza home with us. Of course, not wanting to be bothered with cooking for myself, I ate the pizza. I ate a lot of pizza. About an hour later, I fell asleep in the recliner. I dragged myself out there to go to bed at 9.

I'm not beating myself up over my bad choices. I know I could have done better (I snacked at work too). Today is a new day! I'm sure my binges of yesterday will erase any progress that I've made this week, but that's ok. I have to pick myself up and start again.

On a side note, it's snowing like crazy here. Is spring ever going to come? I suppose the snow is better than the steady rain....sorta. 

Hope you all have a good day! I'm going to try harder today!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A good day!

I'm proud of myself today! I just got off the treadmill (oh, I hate that thing!). I walked 1.6 miles while reading and listening to music. I have to distract myself somehow, or I will never stay on the thing. Maybe it will get easier with time!

I ate well today too. I didn't go for the junk, and I logged all my food over at My Fitness Pal. Right now I'm cooling off with a liter of water. Next on the agenda: shower and Biggest Loser!

How did all of you do today?

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Thank you

To my new-found blogger friends, thank you. I feel less alone in my struggle. I feel like maybe I can do this!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have very little in the way of a support system. Oh, my husband loves me just the way I am, and my mother encourages me. I just don't have those friends around that I can share all my ups and downs. I mean, there are some things I just don't think my husband will understand, and there are things I don't want to discuss with my mother!!! She loves me, but she is hella judgmental at times.

I means a lot to me to find this support. I am finding more support on the internet than I ever have thought possible! Thank you!!!

If anyone is interested, there is also a site started some members of the cast of Biggest Loser 10 called Better Living 360 (BL360). I have joined there as well. There is support out there for us!!
I'm on under my real name: Kelly Gormley

Hope to see you there or here!!!

Struggling today

This past year has been absolutely horrible in so many ways! We're in a hole financially, and it's very hard to feel good about myself with the weight gain. I've got a huge amount of stress to manage. So I eat. Okay, today I haven't eaten much (well, I've eaten, but I haven't eaten junk). I really feel awful though.

My husband and I were talking about finances...and well, there went my mood. It's very easy for me to get down. I just need some hope. I need some things to go right.

Oh, I know, count my blessings. Yes, I do. I'm lucky to have my health and my children. I'm lucky to have a husband that loves me. Hell, in this economy, I am lucky to have a job. It's just so frustrating that there is very little we can do to get ahead. Hello, elephant sitting on my chest.

I want to believe that better days are ahead. If there is anything that I've discovered about myself in the past year, I have found that I am much positive and optimistic than I would have ever believed before. It really shocked me! I hope it's not me living in denial.

Anyway, I haven't found the will to do much of anything today. Maybe this evening I will feel more like moving.

Well, I had better get back to my housework. That burns calories, right?

Saturday, March 5, 2011


Today I did something amazing! I actually laced up my running shoes and dusted off the treadmill!!! First I had to  move the boxes piled up in front of it. Yeah, it's really been awhile.

I only did a mile and a half,  and I admit it was a struggle. The point is that I did it! I would so much rather walk outside. There is something so freeing about it. The treadmill smacks of drudgery to me. I guess the fact that I can watch the time tick by and the hundredths of miles slowly climb makes it boring. At least when I'm walking outside, I have to finish what I started. If I walk 3 miles away from home, I have to walk them again to get back home. I have the added bonuses of taking my dog and just getting out of the house.

Right now I just want to get below 200 again (current weight 218.6). My goal weight is 140, but one step at a time. I am approaching it in small chunks.

From the sound of things, I will be seeing a lot of my family this summer. I want them to see me looking my best! I may even be able to go to the ocean this year!!! I want to wear a bathing suit without shame.  I know that I will never be perfect. I just want to feel good about me again.