Saturday, April 16, 2011

An honest explanation..

Okay, I have to apologize for the horrible post I made yesterday. I know that I can change myself, but right now I am so bogged down that hope isn't something I have a lot of. I know that it can get better and likely will get better. I'm just not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And no, I'm not going to do anything irrational.

The past year and a half have been very very hard for me. First I got cut to part-time in my job which while it wasn't the end of the world, it was an emotional blow (I continue to be part-time, but I still work full-time. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time.).

Then my husband's place of work closed down. He had work there for a very long time, and he considered those people his family. He truly loved that place inside and out. He did immediately get another job, but he hated it. Last June he changed jobs again. He likes this one for the most part, but it's never ever going to replace what he once had.

All this is very hard, but it's not the biggest thing. I can't even believe that I'm going to come out and say this, but the hardest part is that his drinking is spiraling out of control. Sometimes I look at him as if I don't know him anymore. He has never hurt any of us in any way (except for the fact that he is moody and just kinda not "here" at times).

Suggesting AA isn't really going to be met with any positive results. He doesn't want to stop. I really don't want to leave him either. I do love him.

I am thinking about the Alanon thing, but I have been unable to find a local meeting. I think there are some online meetings, and I am planning on checking into those. I also am looking at getting some books to read that may give me some ideas on how to deal.

I recognize that that the hardest thing isn't the fact that he drinks; it's my response to it. I can't control him, but I can control my response. Oh, and it's really hard to do! But really how can I take care of my family if I don't take care of myself?

Hiding inside this house isn't the answer. Eating junk isn't the answer. Escaping into a book isn't the answer (not that I could give up reading).

If only I could get myself to realize that I don't need the approval of him or anyone else! If only I could find ways to manage my stress...healthily of course. I have talked to my doctor about my anxiety, and I do have medication to help me manage it. I just don't like to take the Xanax on a daily basis. This week has been an exception though. I've had to take it just to be able to work without having a panic attack. Last night I had to take a whole one just to be able to sleep. Honestly that didn't even help much. I managed to fall asleep, but I couldn't stay asleep. I haven't taken any today, and I don't plan on it.

I guess what I need to focus on is making good eating choices and stress management. I have done way too much of wallowing in this house. It's time to get out and enjoy life. My boys will only be young for a short time, and I want them to be happy. If I could just get mother nature to realize that we're sick to death of rain and cold, I could be outside soaking up some much needed vitamin D right now!!!!

To whomever has read this far: thank you for listening. I don't have any close friends with whom to share this. I have friends that I work with, but I don't want them to see me this way. I want them to see me for who I am there. My mother isn't much of an option either although she really does try. She just isn't able to look at this objectively. She can't see past the fact that I am hurting, and I suppose that is okay since she is my mom.

You know, these issues existed when I lost some weight 6 years ago, but they have been magnified. He's drinking more and is more depressed. I feel completely out of control myself. Things were manageable then.

Oddly enough I think all my issues come down to being a control freak. I like things a certain way, and I like knowing what to expect. I'm not big on surprises (especially since most surprises in my life tend to be of the negative variety). I think since I can't control him or the kids (and really who wants to control people?) I get stressed. I can however control what goes into my mouth or choosing to sleep instead of exercise. I choose to sit here in front of the computer playing silly Facebook games instead of going outside. I'm really good at making poor choices! And let's face it, making poor choices is easier. It's easier to sit and do nothing than it is to choose to go for a walk. It's easier to shove junk in your mouth instead of preparing something healthy. It's easier to exist than it is to live.


  1. i'm glad you had the courage to tell us all this hon. i know alcoholism is a difficult thing, after my parents died i lived with my grands. my grandfather was a good man and worked everyday but was a mean drunk. i was not abused physically but mentally it was rough. you really do need to talk to your husband while he's sober about the effect all this is having on you.i KNOW thats not what you want to hear but if you love him communication is important. the whole purpose of blogging is for me to vent my feelings never feel you need to hide anything from us (your followers) it really does help sometimes to just say it. also i would suggest doing yoga or a meditation daily to help destress.just remember you are NOT alone!

  2. It IS truly courageous to put your feelings out as Tim says and his advice from experience and heart are the best words for you. I agree that you need to address it and not forget it. As you are nurturing your stress habits, he is as well and behind the wheel of your life's is not a safe road. I am not a counselor, but I know also when a bomb is ticking you need to really think out your steps in disarming it. You can't just let it be.

    You are not alone. If only we could just cry tears and just lose water...but no offense to your's or anyone's beliefs, the mechanical designer to us women was sort of twisted.

    If my fat cells could speak some of them well most of them have been with me since their marital coup d'etat. I got cozy, I had kids, and I had comfort feeding binges. Lately the fat cells under my arm that created boob to pit to back connection popped up.
    My biggest strength through the roughest times in my marriage and one lengthy relationship were my children and the fact that my man was the father of them. We all had bikes and we rode to the store together. And just my pride in them and remembering that initial plan and happiness (going over the photos)and caring and being with them made my life a joy (well there were those times of course like cleaning their rooms). I was still overweight with them, but my activity kept me down.

  3. BTW you look so much like Andie MacDowell.

  4. Thanks for making me smile. I haven't got the Andie MacDowell comment in a long time! And thank you for listening.