Saturday, March 19, 2011

Where is the "on" switch?

I guess that I need to start sorting through all my emotional baggage. I haven't been able to bring myself to do much of anything this week. My eating was more under control, but it wasn't perfect either. I was unable to get my lazy butt moving at all. I guess the stress of the week just overwhelmed me. Yes, I know that working out will help manage my doesn't make me put on my shoes and go though.

I have done this before. I lost 40 pounds 6 years ago. What is the difference between now and then? Other than our financial woes, I can't see much difference. Well, I did have one less child then, but it's not his fault his mommy isn't working out.

I really think my block is fear. I'm afraid to do anything that will take me out of my comfortable little box. I don't like being fat, but it's the devil I know, ya know? If I were to become thin, would I be forced to notice all the other things wrong with my life? Confrontation of any sort is not my strong point. I back down from fights.  I am usually so worried about what other people will say that I won't tell someone off if it is the right thing to do. It's not a matter of picking my battles. I don't battle at all. Even if someone pushes me to my limit, I only explode and immediately back away. Have the last word and run.

I wish that I didn't have so many other worries. They aren't going to go away so I have to learn to manage the stress. I just wish I had a clue of how to do that.

How do the rest of you deal with the stress of  life and manage to work out? I'm still trying to find that magic on switch that doesn't really exist. How did I do this before?

Looking back, what I remember is just taking the dog for a walk one night and enjoying myself. From there I just started walking most every night, and I started eating healthily. It all just seemed to happen. It couldn't  have been that easy, but maybe it was. I was just ready then. Maybe now I have to make the right time instead of it just all falling into place.

Well, I had better start cleaning. My mom and stepdad will be here in a few hours to help me with the bathroom, and I don't want the house to be a total wreck. Off to clean toilets I go!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Bad, bad weekend

Yesterday I didn't even bother with a weigh-in. I didn't really want to see what the scale had to say. I knew it wouldn't be good or do anything to boost my mood. So why bother?

Yes, I fell off the wagon, and I fell hard. I've spent the last several days immersed in emotional eating. I'm disappointed in myself, but I am more frustrated at my inability to fix what is wrong with my life. I'm tired of walking on eggshells around here. I'm tired of compartmentalizing my life. I just want to be happy.

I am not sure how to do anything about what is wrong. It's hard enough to keep yourself on the right track, but it's nearly impossible to do it for someone else too. I just want to make the best of what I have. I don't have a choice really. This is the hand I've been dealt. My choices are to find a way to live with it, or I can stay as miserable as I am now.

I really have to learn to concentrate on me. If I fall apart, then everything else does.

Sorry for being so depressing. I just have had a bad few days. I can't believe that I would rather be at work, but I sure as hell would!

I need to jump back on the wagon.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Thunder Thighs Thursday

Thursday was not a very good day for me. I didn't have a bad day really. I just went crazy with the eating! We had a very stressful busy day at work. I had to work late, and my kids ate pizza at my mother's house. She sent the leftover pizza home with us. Of course, not wanting to be bothered with cooking for myself, I ate the pizza. I ate a lot of pizza. About an hour later, I fell asleep in the recliner. I dragged myself out there to go to bed at 9.

I'm not beating myself up over my bad choices. I know I could have done better (I snacked at work too). Today is a new day! I'm sure my binges of yesterday will erase any progress that I've made this week, but that's ok. I have to pick myself up and start again.

On a side note, it's snowing like crazy here. Is spring ever going to come? I suppose the snow is better than the steady rain....sorta. 

Hope you all have a good day! I'm going to try harder today!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A good day!

I'm proud of myself today! I just got off the treadmill (oh, I hate that thing!). I walked 1.6 miles while reading and listening to music. I have to distract myself somehow, or I will never stay on the thing. Maybe it will get easier with time!

I ate well today too. I didn't go for the junk, and I logged all my food over at My Fitness Pal. Right now I'm cooling off with a liter of water. Next on the agenda: shower and Biggest Loser!

How did all of you do today?

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Thank you

To my new-found blogger friends, thank you. I feel less alone in my struggle. I feel like maybe I can do this!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have very little in the way of a support system. Oh, my husband loves me just the way I am, and my mother encourages me. I just don't have those friends around that I can share all my ups and downs. I mean, there are some things I just don't think my husband will understand, and there are things I don't want to discuss with my mother!!! She loves me, but she is hella judgmental at times.

I means a lot to me to find this support. I am finding more support on the internet than I ever have thought possible! Thank you!!!

If anyone is interested, there is also a site started some members of the cast of Biggest Loser 10 called Better Living 360 (BL360). I have joined there as well. There is support out there for us!!
I'm on under my real name: Kelly Gormley

Hope to see you there or here!!!

Struggling today

This past year has been absolutely horrible in so many ways! We're in a hole financially, and it's very hard to feel good about myself with the weight gain. I've got a huge amount of stress to manage. So I eat. Okay, today I haven't eaten much (well, I've eaten, but I haven't eaten junk). I really feel awful though.

My husband and I were talking about finances...and well, there went my mood. It's very easy for me to get down. I just need some hope. I need some things to go right.

Oh, I know, count my blessings. Yes, I do. I'm lucky to have my health and my children. I'm lucky to have a husband that loves me. Hell, in this economy, I am lucky to have a job. It's just so frustrating that there is very little we can do to get ahead. Hello, elephant sitting on my chest.

I want to believe that better days are ahead. If there is anything that I've discovered about myself in the past year, I have found that I am much positive and optimistic than I would have ever believed before. It really shocked me! I hope it's not me living in denial.

Anyway, I haven't found the will to do much of anything today. Maybe this evening I will feel more like moving.

Well, I had better get back to my housework. That burns calories, right?

Saturday, March 5, 2011


Today I did something amazing! I actually laced up my running shoes and dusted off the treadmill!!! First I had to  move the boxes piled up in front of it. Yeah, it's really been awhile.

I only did a mile and a half,  and I admit it was a struggle. The point is that I did it! I would so much rather walk outside. There is something so freeing about it. The treadmill smacks of drudgery to me. I guess the fact that I can watch the time tick by and the hundredths of miles slowly climb makes it boring. At least when I'm walking outside, I have to finish what I started. If I walk 3 miles away from home, I have to walk them again to get back home. I have the added bonuses of taking my dog and just getting out of the house.

Right now I just want to get below 200 again (current weight 218.6). My goal weight is 140, but one step at a time. I am approaching it in small chunks.

From the sound of things, I will be seeing a lot of my family this summer. I want them to see me looking my best! I may even be able to go to the ocean this year!!! I want to wear a bathing suit without shame.  I know that I will never be perfect. I just want to feel good about me again.