Sunday, December 19, 2010

Small victories

I haven't posted here in so long. I would love to say that I have been busy losing weight and exercising, but truthfully, I have been wallowing. It's all the usual excuses too. I'm too tired, I'm too stressed, I'm too depressed. While I have to admit that those are all true, it's also true that the roadblock is me, just me. I am refusing to try.

Yesterday I got the wonderful news that my husband may be going through yet another job change. Let me tell you, the last year has been one hell of a rollercoaster. I am soooo not up for this shit again! It's hard enough to keep my head above water most days, but when both of us are wallowing in depression, well, then it's just freaking impossible.

I keep hoping that something will just click and I will know that now is the time. I will have the initiative to get rolling. I think I have the wrong idea about that. In fact, I may be forced to fake it until I make it. Perhaps if I plug away at exercising and eating well, I will start to enjoy it. My stress level will go down. I will be able to manage my personal bullshit. Then maybe I will be able to help him carry his load too.

I have made somewhat of a victory though. I have been eating better mostly. I am making great salads for myself for dinner most nights. I love salad, and I love to add broccoli, red peppers, banana peppers, baby spinach and onions to it. I am pleasantly surprised how full I am afterward too! I think it's mostly because I have to really chew the food; it takes a while to eat! My stomach actually has a chance to tell my brain that it's full for once! I do eat dessert too, but it's in the form of an apple will a serving of peanut butter. Sometimes I eat pineapple yogurt. I do like yogurt as a dessert!

So while I don't have a lot of positives going on right now, I know at least I am attempting to eat well. Today is not the best emotional day for me, but I have managed to keep from eating junk. As a matter of fact, I have been cleaning and am on my fifth load of laundry! In between I have been reading a bit of "Mystic River:" by Dennis Lehane. Good book, by the way!

Maybe, just maybe it's all about learning to celebrate the small victories instead of being bogged down by everything that I find wrong with myself.