Still here!

Oh yes, I am still here! It's been a rough week. I've snacked my way through it too. *Sigh*

I noticed that a bunch of bloggers are doing a weight loss challenge where they take a picture of their scales once a week. I'm not sure for how many weeks the contest runs. I'd like to join, but I am not much of a joiner. I've become such a loner over the last 12 or so years. I think it all stems from my lack of self esteem. I don't like myself so why would anyone else enjoy my company?

So I was thinking about buying a new scale for our bathroom. I hate the old-fashioned one we have, and the kids have messed with it. I am not sure it weighs accurately anymore (I sure hope it doesn't weigh on the light side. That would really be depressing!!). I think I will be heading out to Walmart to buy a new digital scale. I don't want anything fancy.

Of course, there is this voice in the back of my head reminding me that I always do this. I have to buy this or that piece of equipment, and then I will start my exercise program. At least when I bought my treadmill I was actually already exercising!! I got pregnant shortly thereafter. Now I hang laundry on it as I am unloading the dryer.

I have no excuses really. The only thing keeping me from exercising is me. I wake each morning determined to be my best, and then by the late afternoon, it's all gone to hell. Stress eating fills the hole in my life, right? Right? Umm, yeah, no.

Procrastination isn't working well for me obviously. Why am I so afraid? Fear of failing? Fear of succeeding? Fear of trying?

Maybe I'm just afraid that I will take too close a look at my life and will be forced to make decisions that I just don't want to make. Being oblivious is so much easier!

Hi, I'm Fat. How about you?

Hello world, I'm fat. Okay, I may not be fat lady in the circus fat, but yes, I am fat. I currently weigh 217 pounds. I can't even believe that I am posting my weight on the internet for anyone to see!!! Maybe posting that will help give me the kick in the ass to get started that I so desperately need.

I have to laugh at myself though. I am pretty ridiculous! I start every morning thinking, "Okay, today will be the day that I really get started! I'll eat healthy all day and work out when I get home." By the end of the day those plans have all gone to shit.

I am a stress eater for sure. I got all wigged out yesterday at work from a conversation with my mother (I love her, but that woman can drive me nuts in seconds flat!). I absolutely had to have a chocolate frosted brownie for lunch...you know, just to lighten my stress load. And if the kids are fighting and driving me nuts? Mmmm, chips are the answer, right? Right? Umm, yeah, no.

I bought Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD about 3 weeks ago. I absolutely love Jillian and anything to do with The Biggest Loser! I know I'm getting a great workout from that DVD! Shhh, it's still in its shrink-wrap buried in my desk drawer. Fat lot of good that's doing me, huh?

I have all these great plans to start walking again too. Planning it out in my head really helps with the weight loss, huh? Yeah, only if you actually take the walk instead of deciding that you're too tired to bother.

Sigh....

What really sucks is that I have done this weight loss thing before. Five years ago I was totally dedicated and lost 40 pounds! I felt great and was starting to look so much better! Bam! Then I got pregnant. By accident. Although he's worth it, he really is. I love that little boy!

I gained all my weight back during my pregnancy, but that didn't bother me all that much. I pretty much lost all the weight soon after delivery. Then I started smoking again. Dumb decision, but I make lots of those!!

I quit smoking (for good, I hope!!) in June 2007. I have sneaked a few now and then. The only time I really want a cigarette is when I'm out with friends (which is rare, rare, rare!) and drinking. I don't really miss smoking though. I hate the smell of it anymore, and I resent the fact that my husband still smokes. I hate still smelling like a freaking cigarette when I don't even smoke anymore!!

Quitting smoking was a bad thing in one horrible way. I had nothing to do when I was stressed out. Suddenly instead of smoking, I was shoving Oreos into my mouth (I don't even really like Oreos very much. Yeah, I know. I am ridiculous!). I now stress eat instead of stress smoking. The result is that I gained all the weight back.

The worst part about regaining the weight is that I hate myself far more than I did before. I mean, how stupid is it to lose weight and put it right back on??? It's not like I was on some fad diet that you know you're going to gain weight once you stop it. I was eating well and exercising. That's it. Big secret, huh? It isn't, but I can't seem to manage to do it now.

And that's where I am now. I want to change my life and lose weight. I want to feel good about the way that I look instead of wanting to hide. I want to be able to look right into a mirror and not cringe. Most of all, I want to be able to be in pictures without fearing I will look like a whale. I want my kids to have pictures of them with their mother to cherish someday.

So someone please tell me, how the hell do I motivate myself? Maybe I'm not ready to start this journey yet, but when will I know that I am ready?

I really need some help here!!