Small victories

I haven't posted here in so long. I would love to say that I have been busy losing weight and exercising, but truthfully, I have been wallowing. It's all the usual excuses too. I'm too tired, I'm too stressed, I'm too depressed. While I have to admit that those are all true, it's also true that the roadblock is me, just me. I am refusing to try.

Yesterday I got the wonderful news that my husband may be going through yet another job change. Let me tell you, the last year has been one hell of a rollercoaster. I am soooo not up for this shit again! It's hard enough to keep my head above water most days, but when both of us are wallowing in depression, well, then it's just freaking impossible.

I keep hoping that something will just click and I will know that now is the time. I will have the initiative to get rolling. I think I have the wrong idea about that. In fact, I may be forced to fake it until I make it. Perhaps if I plug away at exercising and eating well, I will start to enjoy it. My stress level will go down. I will be able to manage my personal bullshit. Then maybe I will be able to help him carry his load too.

I have made somewhat of a victory though. I have been eating better mostly. I am making great salads for myself for dinner most nights. I love salad, and I love to add broccoli, red peppers, banana peppers, baby spinach and onions to it. I am pleasantly surprised how full I am afterward too! I think it's mostly because I have to really chew the food; it takes a while to eat! My stomach actually has a chance to tell my brain that it's full for once! I do eat dessert too, but it's in the form of an apple will a serving of peanut butter. Sometimes I eat pineapple yogurt. I do like yogurt as a dessert!

So while I don't have a lot of positives going on right now, I know at least I am attempting to eat well. Today is not the best emotional day for me, but I have managed to keep from eating junk. As a matter of fact, I have been cleaning and am on my fifth load of laundry! In between I have been reading a bit of "Mystic River:" by Dennis Lehane. Good book, by the way!

Maybe, just maybe it's all about learning to celebrate the small victories instead of being bogged down by everything that I find wrong with myself.

Hi, I'm Fat. How about you?

Hello world, I'm fat. Okay, I may not be fat lady in the circus fat, but yes, I am fat. I currently weigh 217 pounds. I can't even believe that I am posting my weight on the internet for anyone to see!!! Maybe posting that will help give me the kick in the ass to get started that I so desperately need.

I have to laugh at myself though. I am pretty ridiculous! I start every morning thinking, "Okay, today will be the day that I really get started! I'll eat healthy all day and work out when I get home." By the end of the day those plans have all gone to shit.

I am a stress eater for sure. I got all wigged out yesterday at work from a conversation with my mother (I love her, but that woman can drive me nuts in seconds flat!). I absolutely had to have a chocolate frosted brownie for lunch...you know, just to lighten my stress load. And if the kids are fighting and driving me nuts? Mmmm, chips are the answer, right? Right? Umm, yeah, no.

I bought Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD about 3 weeks ago. I absolutely love Jillian and anything to do with The Biggest Loser! I know I'm getting a great workout from that DVD! Shhh, it's still in its shrink-wrap buried in my desk drawer. Fat lot of good that's doing me, huh?

I have all these great plans to start walking again too. Planning it out in my head really helps with the weight loss, huh? Yeah, only if you actually take the walk instead of deciding that you're too tired to bother.

Sigh....

What really sucks is that I have done this weight loss thing before. Five years ago I was totally dedicated and lost 40 pounds! I felt great and was starting to look so much better! Bam! Then I got pregnant. By accident. Although he's worth it, he really is. I love that little boy!

I gained all my weight back during my pregnancy, but that didn't bother me all that much. I pretty much lost all the weight soon after delivery. Then I started smoking again. Dumb decision, but I make lots of those!!

I quit smoking (for good, I hope!!) in June 2007. I have sneaked a few now and then. The only time I really want a cigarette is when I'm out with friends (which is rare, rare, rare!) and drinking. I don't really miss smoking though. I hate the smell of it anymore, and I resent the fact that my husband still smokes. I hate still smelling like a freaking cigarette when I don't even smoke anymore!!

Quitting smoking was a bad thing in one horrible way. I had nothing to do when I was stressed out. Suddenly instead of smoking, I was shoving Oreos into my mouth (I don't even really like Oreos very much. Yeah, I know. I am ridiculous!). I now stress eat instead of stress smoking. The result is that I gained all the weight back.

The worst part about regaining the weight is that I hate myself far more than I did before. I mean, how stupid is it to lose weight and put it right back on??? It's not like I was on some fad diet that you know you're going to gain weight once you stop it. I was eating well and exercising. That's it. Big secret, huh? It isn't, but I can't seem to manage to do it now.

And that's where I am now. I want to change my life and lose weight. I want to feel good about the way that I look instead of wanting to hide. I want to be able to look right into a mirror and not cringe. Most of all, I want to be able to be in pictures without fearing I will look like a whale. I want my kids to have pictures of them with their mother to cherish someday.

So someone please tell me, how the hell do I motivate myself? Maybe I'm not ready to start this journey yet, but when will I know that I am ready?

I really need some help here!!